the old wooden chair

My ramblings while avoiding work

2010-01-01T19:11:00.000-08:00

Man not having a computer can really be a pain in the old arse! Thankfuly I might be buying one when I get my next pay check =)! I'm really looking forward to being able to type out the things that I write now. I prefer typing it out much more than writing it out, partly because its faster and also because my writing is UGLY! I was told they call it artists writing though, because I can draw and sketch things just fine really but for some reason when it comes to writing something in words down on paper it looks like a little kid wrote it......I wonder who it was who had told me that.....hmmm.

I'm actually writing this blog from work(I know TROUBLE maker). Theres so much green time(time inbetween calls) today in the call center that I had time to finish reading one of the new books I bought! I bought 4 new books from chapters down town and I Only ended up pay 15 dollars out of my own pocket. How was I able to acheive that small stunt you ask? Well my sister got me a new irewards card for christmas and my mother got me a 35 dollar gift certificate! talk about good luck =D. It was the best present i got this year aside from the movie Pride and Prejudice which is my favourite moive! I guess I won't recieve anymore of those big presents now that i'm living on my own and have turned 19.

It's hard to say if this living on my own thing will benefit anything at all in the long run really. I keep feeling like I should be downing something else. I want to apply to college for journalisim for this fall but something deep down is saying i need to leave and go experiance something new. I feel like the character wanderer from the book the host, like i could experiance a million different things and still not be content with where I am, or feel that i belong. I hant to experiance everything in life yet i'm just working at a call center and I havnt even started college. Going to college for at least a year would be good I believe so i'm going to try and do that before I set out on my quest.

I think loan ranger is just what I am down to my soul. I make friends but I dont keep them for very long and I some times prefer being by myself more than being with others. Though i'm not an unhappy person at all, I laugh more than most and I rarly get myself down. When i get thoughts of things that make me blue I just banish them rather than being foolish and sulking about things. You never get any where if you sulk!
Shockingly i've also never been in a real relationship and the times i've actually had a crush on someone I can count on one hand.

I have seen so many bad things that are involved with relationships that I think I would be alot better off on my own. People say the good out weigh the bad though I can not see why you should suffer through something for only a ray of sunshine through the dark. I would feel like I was betraying myself if I got into something that was just physical or irrational. I dont need someone to lead me in the wrong direction so I would rather not get involved. Independance is key to all success and by the time i'm 30 i expect myself to be successful in something I enjoy.

Wow i almost forgot, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Thats the end of 2 decades for me and I'm looking forward to this one. I hope you all are too =)

12 minutes to write

2009-12-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

I MISS BLOGGING!- i need a computer el'fasto

So yes I have been living in my new appartment since October now with 2 roommates. Its really tiring when I work so much but I do need the money. Past couple of months i havnt really liked Ottawa much but since I'm begining to make freinds here and there so its become alot more fun for me. Work is becoming more fun because i know so many people there now too!

But I have decided to move back home for a month because i want to upgrade my english credit for college. I feel like such a bum, working with people that have already BEEN to college. I'm going to apply and when I get accepted I'll make the decision between travel and college first.

Things are starting to want to tie me to ottawa now too. for instance... a couple nights a week i go get a pita after work before i go to this net cafe im at. Theres always this guy working at the place that i end up talking with. He's really cute and fun to talk to! but i act like such a silly girl because he will hint to something like wanting me to stay and eat at the place so we can talk but i dont realize until im out the DOOR! GOD That happend tonight and i was so anoyed with myself for being so naive or ignorant to his intentions. It always seems to happen with me around guys, i dont realise they are hitting on me until its to late! haha I'm hopeless really!

DAM my time is up! sorry for the spelling mistakes- fix later.

until my next blog!

struggles and treasures on my adventure.

2009-10-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

So yeeeeeeep my adventure in Ottawa is still not being as much fun as first thought. The city is really beautiful though! Each night as i drive home from work and cross over the bridge I like to look at parliament hill sitting almost precariously on that hill over looking the river. I wish there was a way to stop on the high way and take a picture of the hill on my way home but I don't think the cars behind me would like that to much =(.

What I would like to do though is take a picture of parliament hill from that bridge on every night to see how the weather plays with the lights that glow from its windows. Ever since moving to the city I've started to see the absolute beauty of it at night. One of my previous prose shows that. It's a romantic beauty that I always want to capture. Tonight especially! the air was cold and it was pouring. To any normal person this weather phenomena would probably be a drag, but in the city at night its really my most favorite occurrence. I'm going to wish a thousand wishes for a nice camera I think =).

Going back to my struggle with living on my own in a beautiful city...... It's really apparent that ANY good jobs that you would normally be able to obtain in lets say, Toronto are few and far between if you don't speak the language of love(french). Unfortunately for me i know little and so I'm dealing with working at a 10 dollar an hour job at a call center. Its quite laughable really, hahaha. It's the one thing I didn't want for myself, working at a dull job.

My other dilemma would be my quest for a room! I'm not able to rent my own apartment at the moment because I don't make enough money for me to pay rent, feed myself(food is such a pain), cloth myself, and have enough money left over to save for my goal.
So I have chose to look on kijiji and craigslist for a room. I've seen 5-6 places in the search but have not come up with one that wasn't discusting, in a bad area, or to overly priced for just some tiny bedroom. It's really a lot more stressful than i had thought it to be in the beginning. But I'm sure (or i hope) I will find a place soon and then everything else will fall into place.

LASTLY! I have found that working full time and my quest for a place really leaves me no time to create anything on paper which is quite depressing when ideas pop into my head at work but by the time I have gotten home I'm either to tired to start a drawing or I decide I want to check out the facebook and find myself distracted by doing other things like this blog haha. This silly little page out in cyber space is the only thing I'm able to produce for myself. Surprisingly its become something I like to do regularly though, which is a change since I had tried to start a blog in high school but didn't write more than 2 posts on it. Maybe its just something I have created so I can look back at where I was in life in the future. Oh well what ever my intentions are I really don't mind.

Back to the magic of a watery night!

credit to http://jezus666.deviantart.com/ for photo

What thanksgiving means to me

2009-10-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving is today

and it brings with it warm inviting scents, familiar faces, delicious tastes and a warm place to take shelter from the cold frost that brings fall and then winter.

Sometimes I forget what thanksgiving was meant to celebrate. It's a holiday that I have never thought to much about. Each year as i grew up my sister and me would be brought to my grandmas, as all my aunts and uncles would come through the door with cousins to play with. To me back then it was a time for everyone to get together under the same roof and taste the wonderful feast my grandma would make for everyone in the family.

Today a lot of things have change since back then. My grandma isn't there to make our feast, my cousins don't get excited to see each other and the rest of my aunts and uncles now make their own large feast's, in their own warm and wonderful homes.

So now that my grandmas feast and warm love is but a memory, the little play mates dont come running in the door to play, we don't all meet in one place any more, and I'm off on my own adventure in life i find myself wondering if my idea of thanksgiving is really what it was supposed to mean when the holiday first came about.

It was a festival to celebrate the great harvest of the year and to prepare for the cold winter that is ever so slowly creeping its cold fingers through the land. It became more of a thanks for the family and friends I have, but i think that's almost a better thing to mean for me in my life so I think I'll continue treating it as a thanks for friends and family even if they have gotten less over the years. because I know that one day a long time down the road there will be a large house that looks warm and inviting from the cold street. Lots of adults and children will be seen through the windows and sweet scents of food will travel from the house to your nose.

In the brightly lit kitchen you will be able to see an old woman with a warm smile upon her face as she carries a large turkey out of the kitchen and into a room filled with love.

The Seasons Of Friends

2009-10-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

Over the years I have made quite a few friends but they don't stick around for long, they're like the seasons. They change color with each time of year, some might be longer than others but they all have their time and then give them selves over to the other seasons for their time to shine. But on very rare occasions you can capture that season, bottle it up and keep it for ever. Like a fall leaf you find on the ground that's so beautiful you need to save its beauty, preserve it in lamination and keep it close to your heart.

Through the seasons I haven't found many leaves that survive in my lamination for some reason. Though I have Three wild flowers i found one summer in high school and a bright red leaf I came across one day at cadets that i know will be around for a long time.

This summer i found three beautiful roses so radiant that I couldn't bare to see them die once the cold weather came around.

So I took my garden scissors, carefully snipped their beautiful stems and put them in the most beautiful vase you will ever see. The cold weather has come and so it's time for me to press them and keep them for a long time, I only hope and pray that they will keep for ever so that their beauty will survive through the seasons to be seen by my eyes for ever.

Here's me wishing and hoping that, that one summer when i stumbled upon them will last im my memories for ever.

On a day like today

2009-10-03T12:56:00.000-07:00

So i don't write about myself in here to much, its usually just my prose i put in here from time to time but i decided I would try to start getting in a couple posts a week.

So high school has come and gone, and i find myself at a cross road in life at the moment. What do I want to do for college? Should i go right away? Should i travel before or after? My questions for myself can go on and on really.
So I decided to pack up my things and stop thinking and just go out into the world and see if success is in life's thick pages for me. There are so many old friends I have from high school that's lives I see are going no where. Well I know I wasn't meant to be a nobody in this large world so I decided to move to my nations capital, Ottawa!

I ended up moving from my small town with a pop. of 18,500 to the big city a couple of weeks ago. It was just before my birthday, September 17th.
Ironically each year I always have this grand picture of my day of birth, but each year I'm disappointed with the out come. I'm not sure why I always feel like this, maybe its because I think something should change that day suddenly, or my B-day should be the most fun day of the year. But all i got was a card in the mail from my mother and a free dinner at a restaurant with my sister and cousin.
We went out to a bar to celebrate my ability to drink legally now. That was all some good fun I suppose but still at the end of the night I was filled with a melancholy feeling. I'm grateful for my sister taking me out, she's even letting me stay with her, her boy friend and my nephew until I get my own place. But in the end its a day i don't like looking back on often.

So I'm 19 now now, I can drink all I want, gamble all I want, buy porn all I want, haha. I should be excited for what this age has to offer but more than anything i feel like time has pushed down the fast-forward button and I can't stop it. Next year I won't be a teenager at all, I'll be in my twenties. Some people at my age are in the middle of their college courses, starting their careers, or off on adventures. My biggest and only fear in my life is that I won't be able to do the things I want to before time runs out or that I will make a wrong choice worth regretting.

So I've been in Ottawa for about 3 weeks and I finally found a full time job this week. I really wanted to work at a book store but its hard to find the job you want most when your actually looking. The job I started at is a call center for AT&T mobile. I have to take what I can get I suppose, and at 10 dollars an hour it's not something to complain about at all. My training is 9 long weeks.....The training feels like I'm back in high school -.-! I don't want to stay at this company any longer than a year. I would be impossible for me really because I like trying different things, adventure is like wired into my DNA I think.

Another thing I have notice that sucks when you move, all your college friends that just went off to school don't have the time for you. Their all absorbed in their own little lives. I don't think I could do that to a friend personally but I seem to end up with friendships that aren't that strong. Though when I do find one we don't have the opportunity to see each other much because they live so far away. Those are the friends that I know I have made for life though, they were the ones I met on courses and exchanges and trips so I'm not worried that I wont ever see them again, its just sad that we don't see each other more often.

Well I think I should stop here because I have things to do, I'm going to complete my explanation of my life for another day I guess.

Reflections of Darkness, Cold & Beauty

2009-10-03T00:44:00.000-07:00

~The bright lights soft reflection danced across the pavement like an impressionists canvas. A female figure stood on the beautiful painting. The cool air clung to her like a soul trying to cling on to the tiny thing they call hope.

Fall was coming.

Its faint scent lingered in the air around her. Fall was a time of ending and death, but a faint smile could be seen upon her sweet wet lips.
Instead of the melancholy feeling one might feel from an ending, she felt a great joy. There would be much beauty at the end of that damp road that reached before her.~

Love that is true

2009-04-30T02:37:00.000-07:00

I want the love of a fairy tale, not the love of a horror story. I want the love that is true and equal, not a love that is weak and uneven. and so i shall wait for that day, the day that a strong wind blows and stops me in my tracks, and the sight of him in front of me makes me weak in the knees. it will be the only love i will accept and so i will wait, wait in that glass case in the forest, waiting for him to awake me from thy slumber.

I know that i want this sort of love and no other. some people say a love like this does not exist, but if it is so then i will live this life without anyone aside from myself. I state this here an now for it is my conviction and it is what i truly stand on. If my conviction falters then i pray that in some way or form clarity will come upon me and i will see my mistake.

True love, the right kind, is one that is returned on both sides! This world is filled with loves that are weak, uneven, one sided, FAKE, WASTED, EVIL, TWISTED, SELFISH. And in my short life i have seen many of these before my eyes. That is why i KNOW that my life will never be torn, weighed, or destroyed by something like this. My self pride is to much to stoop myself into another persons level for a love that is wrong. Your only given one life and it shouldn't be spent in pain over a love which you have STUPIDLY fallen into.

The man i will love, will love me in equal, we will go through much together but together, as one we will cross our bridges together. We will never leave the other behind for it would be like leaving a piece of yourself behind as well.

And so, I state this once more here an now for it is my conviction. If my conviction falters then i pray that in some way or form clarity will come upon me and i will see my fault.

The Waltz

2009-02-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

she walks through the grove of people that twirl and waltz around the room. The ladies skirts twist and sway as their partners guide them effortlessly across the floor leaving the faint scents of Cologne and perfume behind them as they move. Their faces are adorned with elegant masks each as different as the next, held there carefully on their laughing faces by black velvet ribbons.

The music of the small orchestra fills up the room in waves, splashing around the couples as they twirl mechanically as if strings are attached to all their limbs and the music is the puppeteer.

A young woman in a long deep red ball gown with a black silk ribbon wrapped around its waist, walks alone on the dance floor as if the other dancers aren't there. Her mask is black velvet, dark red and gold curlicues travel around her eyes and are stopped by tiny red ruby's that dot the mask. black lace lines the edges of the mask and a small red feather is placed at the top side which floats above the rest of the mask. her dark brown hair is placed up atop her head leaving little pieces to fall around her. Her violent blue eyes are fixated ahead of her as if in trance.

A tall man at the opposite end of the room walks toward her. He wears a black suit and bow tie, a cream color shirt underneath. His dark brown hair is slicked back and he wears a simple velvet mask.

As they reach the center of the floor they both stand there in silence, staring into one anothers eyes. The man then raises his hand out to her and as she places her gloved hand into his own, its as if time freezes.

flashes then hit her and race through her mind, she process's bits and pieces. A grand castle on a hill, men in armor, a handsome mans face staring at her, a white horse running through a field, a fire. They stop and he then takes her other hand and they begin to waltz around the room.

Their eyes are fixated on each other through their masks. They dance so gracefully that other couples begin to watch their fierce dance. The song then ends and a smile appears on both of their faces.

from the same tree

2008-12-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

Family's are all from the same tree yet each piece of fruit can be so different from the next, why is that? Thats the question i find myself wondering to myself time again.

Sisters are said to be many things, rivals, enemies, friends, palls. But They can be so different yet so much the same. like a mirror of your other self in another world.

In the case of me and my sister we have been through thick in thin and for years have been close to the same page. but at this point in time even though we are both around the same age i cant see her side at all and she can obviously not see mine.

It shouldn't be a give, give, give, relationship either but in most moments that is where i find myself. I give her relationship advice i don't have, i help her with what ever the hell she is mad about but for what? for her to stab me in the back and then turn the blade.why is that?

Hurtful things is all i receive from my fruits of labor which is funny because the older one is supposed to be the wisest, is that not what the case is supposed to be? My thoughts, feelings and the things i do are never understood and are taken so lightly that im treated just like that annoying background music that you don't like but have to tolerate.

You've said this to me before my sister of the same tree and now I'm saying it to you, you may be my sister but you are NOT my friend. So save your worries for someone who is willing to be taken advantage of. This is my end of year promise, that i will never again be treated as something to be walked over.

her burning city

2008-11-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

The walls fall down around her. Ugly hateful words fall from the sky, pieces pierce through her skin. She’s bloody and bruised but determined and optimistic for an end to this destruction of the world around her.

Time and time again pieces hit her and rip open deep wounds as she runs through the streets. She knows there’s a way out of this burning city of chaos but the reality of her finding it sets in. She’s been running for so, so, long that her hole body aches and fatigue sets in.

A wave of despair washes over her like a title wave, washing her feet from under her causing her to collapse. Realizing how battered and bruised she is she cant imagine what sort of person would be able to look at such and ugly person and pick her up.

She’s so afraid and trapped but all she can do is sit there as the pieces poison her even more. Alone and hurt is the way she imagines her days will end in this burning city.

The living dolls

2008-10-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

The crowd engulfs her in its sea of moving body's. She stands, alone. Her face in her hands while the rain washes down around her. Like one of those dreams, you scream at the top of your lungs till your out of breath but your sound reaches no one.

The world continues on, a continuous merry go round with no chance of stopping, not once. There are no faces in this crowd, they are just the same as the next.

She starts to run through the wet crowd, looking for a way out; it seems that the longer she runs the more vast the crowd becomes. Breathless and tired, the rain washes dark black lines down her cheeks. The tears blur her vision and she trips into one of the dolls and falls into a puddle.

What will she do? The despair of it all is enough to keep her from moving her legs. She just lays in the puddle looking up at the dark Grey sky as the rain falls down and mixes in with her tear soaked face; she wishes she could just feel nothing, anything but this pain and helplessness anything to numb it......but wouldn't that make her just like them? the dolls that walk through the crowd with no purpose?

the road~

2008-10-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

when you come to a fork in the road what do you do? you could turn back, save yourself from the things that could scare and hurt you.... Or you could continue to pick the road less traveled, so that you can experience all the new things, take the bad with the good.

But you could also take the road thats safe and filled with the things you know. No surprises lurking behind the corner to scare you, or painful things that want to hurt you. But would that truly make you happy? Would you want to live your life always knowing whats next?

The struggle

2008-10-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

The tears seem to fall with out a purpose or reason but to make a pool for herself to drown in. As the pool starts to rise the things she thought she understood began to become a blur and uncertain.

the fight between the dark black unknown and the all to perfect surface would begin. she knows but one thing, if she cant find the right direction she will be forever trapped in the deep depths of the dark pool.

all the things that are of importance in her world seem to fall from the sky into the pool with her. what will she do? wheres her strength when she needs it? is it locked away in the darkness as well? so many questions but she cant think.

the cold begins to take hold, it takes the air from her lungs so fast that it leaves her thrashing, grabbing at anything she can find. then she sees it! its the thing that shes been looking for, but it looks so far away and she doesn't know if she has the energy to pull herself from the cold and into warm of the light. she screams for it but it does not respond.

she longs so bad for it but she also loathes it, for it is where she wants to be but it is also where she cant reach. all she can do is continue to fall into the pool, deeper, deeper, deeper, and watch as it begins to dim.......
to be continued

why~?

2008-10-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

This is a spot i made to write down, thoughts, ideas and stories I've had. Most of it might be pointless but some of it might be something thats conceptual, any comments, ideas, or thoughts are welcome.